3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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