i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
