i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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