video games are the ultimate cock blocker
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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