Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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