I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
