do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
