The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
false alarm, still single
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
