Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
