Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
