at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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