I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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