this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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