His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
