He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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