I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You smell like stripper and shame
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
