she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
