Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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