apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
