you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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