Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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