I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Welp...herpes.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
