I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
