Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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