I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
