Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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