I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
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Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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