last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
