Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
two words...techno handjob
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
