Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
