The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
