I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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