I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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