If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
