I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
