So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
