My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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