I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
