I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
