And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
