I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize