I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
