life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
