i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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