Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
