I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
