wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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