we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My ATM looks so different sober.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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