a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
