Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
