Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
