evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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