that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
