I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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