im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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