There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
