i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
