WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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