Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
