I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have fence marks all over my body
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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