Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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