i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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