I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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